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Another Great Day At The Liar's Cafe



(My sincere apologies to Monty Python’s Flying Circus)


As we open, we find a bustling café, almost filled to capacity, with the ambient noise of customers and waitresses taking and filling orders. We focus on one elderly couple, Hil’liar’ly and Billy Jeff, examining the menu, as their waitress comes to their table.

Waitress; “What can I get started for you folks?”

Billy-Jeff to the waitress; “What’s the special for today, honeypie?”

Waitress; “Well, for starters we have an appetizer full of lies, topped with some lovely misinformation, served with a hearty entrée of disinformation along with a side dish of some sweet roasted mal-information.”

Billy-Jeff; “Well that certainly does sound appetizing, what about this other dish on the menu?”

Waitress; “Let me see, oh that’s a number 4, its lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, a delicious baked half truth and some scandalous inuendo.”

“We also serve a fantastic political persecution, topped with a very nice fascism sauce, surrounded by a bed of flambéed propaganda”.

Hil’liar’ly; “That sounds delicious, do you have any character assassinations on the menu?”

Waitress; “I’m sorry all assassinations are off until next week. But we do serve a nicely brazed Russian disinformation campaign, topped with a creamy phony dossier.”

Hil’liar’ly; “I’ve already tried that one, left a bad taste in my mouth.” “Damn, I Iove a good assassination.”

Billy Jeff; “Have a look at this, it’s lies, lies, lies, lies, phishing spam, lies, lies, and some fake news.”

Hil’liar’ly; “Billy Jeff, you know I DON’T LIKE SPAM!”

Billy-Jeff; “Don’t make a fuss dear, how about this one? It’s lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, with that creamy phony dossier.”

Hil’liar’ly; “That’s a lot of lies, I’m getting too fat from all of them.”

Billy-Jeff; “But its not got as much lies as lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, a baked half truth and scandalous inuendo.”

(Viking chorus singing in the background, “lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies”).

Waitress shouting; “SHUUUUUUT UUUP!”

Billy-Jeff speaking to the waitress; “Sweety pie, do have anything without so many lies in it?”

Waitress; “This is the Liars Café, what do you expect, spam, spam, spam, and spam…?”

Billy-Jeff; “Sorry darlin’. What about this? It’s lies, lies, lies, lies, and lies, along with a broiled global conspiracy, topped off with a baked half-truth?”

(Viking chorus singing once again; “Lies, lies, lies, lies. Lies, lies, lies lies…”).

Waitress; “SHHHHHUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP! “Sorry, Klaus Schwabennegger just ordered the last global conspiracy.”

Bill-Jeff; “Dabgummit, and that sounded real good”.

(A gray haired, brown eyed, handsome man approaches the table.)

Billy-Jeff; “Hey Hil, look! It’s our ol’ buddy, O’Bummer. Hey pal, how are you and Michael, I mean Michelle, doing?”

O’Bummer; “Boy that never gets old Billy-Jeff, just like your girlfriends. Oh, sorry Hil, I didn’t recognize you. I thought you was a billy goat. Anyway ah, Michea.., DAMMIT, I mean Michelle, ah, she couldn’t make it, had to go to the salon for a wax job.”

Billy-Jeff snickering to Hil’liar’ly under his breath; “Yeah I can believe that.” (softly singing to Hil’liar’ly) “Shave and a haircut two bits.”

O’Bummer; “Anyway I was supposed to meet Slow Beijing here, have you seen him? He may have got lost walking in the front door.”

Hil’liar’ly, still chuckling from Bill-Jeff’s remark; “Nope, we ain’t seen the dope, bwahaha.”

Waitress; “Are you all ready to order?”

Hil’liar’ly in her fake southern accent; “Y’all is just gonna have to give us some mo’ time. Miss, can you set up a couple a mo’ plates for our guests?”

Waitress; “No problem, but I only see one other person, is someone else coming?”

Hil’liar’ly; “I’m sure if you wait a moment, Billy Jeff can oblige.”

O’Bummer, “Miss, he’ll be here in a moment, he’s over in the corner sniffing some little girls hair.”

Waitress; “Eeew!”

O’Bummer; “Hil baby, you still tryin’ to do that fake southern accent shit? Come on, even my man Slow don’t believe that crap. Yo, B.J. my man (laughing at his own joke) what looks good on the menu tonight?”

Billy-Jeff, putting a hand to his mouth so Hil’liar’ly cant hear what he’s saying; “That little waitress, I’ll tell you what”. “Here’s something perfect for you O, it’s an appetizer of false charm, served with an entrée of Critical Race Theory, and a side dish of racial division.”

O’Bummer; “That’s tempting, I had that last week and it was deeeevine!. Oh, this looks good, a tossed Hubris salad, with a tantalizing topping of outright lies, served with a large platter of chilled narcissism, niiiice.”

Slow Beijing finally arrives, a waiter slowly guiding him by the hand.

Waiter; “Here you are sir, you can let go of my hand now.”

Slow Beijing; “Oh right. Thanks buddy. You know you kinda remind me of this guy Cornpone, he was a bad dude. Hey there ebrywhatchamacallit, what’s fodinamacker?”

Billy-Jeff; “What?”

Slow Beijing; “You know, wha’s garbinaflacking?”

Hil’liar’ly; “Wow Slow! Good to see all your meds are working. You know, you should really have a teleprompter with you at all times, just like that defibrillator that’s always strapped to your back.”

“Hey everybody! Look over there! Do y’all see whose sitting at the table all alone, It’s Bitch Badonkadonk. I guess he’s pissed off so many people not even Kevin McUckey will sit with him. I heard all he ever orders now is raw crow, day and night, bwahaha.”

“All right miss, I’m ready to order, can I get the phony dossier, a baked half truth sprinkled with some fine government censorship, and a side dish of mal-information?”

Waitress; “Let me see, oh yes that’s a number 6. (The waitress turns to O’Bummer) “And what can I get for you sir?”

O’Bummer; “I’ll take what my good ol’ buddy B.J. recommended, the tossed Hubris salad, with the outright lies and narcissism, and can I get a side of false charm with that?”

Waitress; “Certainly”, (then sarcastically under her breath, “it sure looks like you could use some more of that”).

Slow Beijing; “I’ll have the wanafulable fracjis, some belifotuna, and a 13 year old girl.”

Waitress; “Excuse me, what did you say?”

O’Bummer; “Never mind miss, just get him a #2.”

Slow Beijing; “Nah, that’s ok, I just had a number 2.”

Hil’liar’ly; “Oh god I think I’m going to hurl!”

Slow Beijing; “Oh don’t make such a flafinapple, I only had ice cream, geez!”

Billy-Jeff gaging, “Thank goodness those depends are more dependable than the last time he was with us.”

Waitress to Billy-Jeff; “What would you like sir?”

Billy-Jeff winking slyly; “You’re phone number for starters, He He” “I’ll have the lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, with the misinformation, disinformation and mal-information, and could you throw in some more lies, lies and lies? For desert could I have a cigar?”

(Viking chorus yet again; “Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lovely lies, wonderful lies, lovely lies, wonderful lies, Lie,I,I,I,I,I,I,I Lie,I,I,I,I,I,I,I, lovely lies, lovely lies, lies, lies, lies, LIES!)

Fade out.

(As I said before, my sincere apologies to Monty Python. This parody is a work of pure fiction and any similarity to any human was unintentional and purely a work of my demented imagination. Hope y’all got a laugh or two, if you like it share with your friends and family.)

Rock on Y’all and Merry Christmas from your brother the Commonman!

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